She made me believe I was the problem, then her spirit told me the truth [part 2]
What do you do when your narcissistic mother’s spirit confesses the truth?
Have you read Part 1?: The First Confession That Shattered Me
I ended the video call of my first channeling session with my mother’s spirit feeling awful.
She told me I was her shining star.
That she always knew I would do great things.
That she never meant to hurt me as much as she did.
And I didn’t know what the hell to do with all that!
For my entire life, I believed that I was the problem.
That I was broken, unworthy, unlovable.
And now, in death, she expects me to believe that none of that was true?
I wasn’t ready to process it yet.
I couldn’t!
Because questioning her words—even now, even after she was gone—felt dangerous!
Walking on eggshells, even after she was gone
I spent my entire life monitoring my thoughts, my words, my very existence to make sure I wasn’t stepping out of line.
I carried this behavior into midlife—so much so that even when her spirit admitted the truth, I still felt the deep, paralyzing fear of questioning any of it.
Because what if I was wrong?
What if I misunderstood?
What if, somehow, I still got in trouble?
She controlled the narrative for so long that I didn’t know how to think outside of it.
So even though her spirit confessed things that directly contradicted everything she led me to believe, I was still too afraid to fully accept it.
I still felt like I needed permission to think for myself.
The moment I realized SHE was the one who was wrong
It took me nearly two years from the time of the channeling sessions to now in order to realize something profound: her words weren’t just statements—they were confessions!
AND I WASN’T THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN WRONG!
SHE WAS!!!
The moment I started to unravel her confessions, everything else started to fall apart, too.
Because if she lied about this…
If she spent decades making me believe I was the broken one when in reality, she was projecting her own wounds onto me…
Then what else had I internalized as truth because at the time, there was no other way to survive?
I learned to live inside her version of reality.
Her version of right and wrong.
Her version of me! HER VERSION OF ME!
Breaking free didn’t happen overnight
It didn’t happen the moment she died.
It didn’t even happen the first time her spirit spoke the truth to me.
I tiptoed through this for years. Carefully. Hesitantly.
Still afraid of doing something wrong.
Because the idea of walking in my power of believing that my thoughts, my feelings, my decisions were valid and safe without needing external approval was terrifying!
But I’m walking a little faster now.
Learning to trust myself again
I’m still learning to feel comfortable with being right:
right about what’s right for me
right about my opinions
right about my choices
right about my timeline
right about my preferences.
I’m still learning how to trust myself.
To do things without seeking validation that my reasons are okay, acceptable, approved.
No matter how much she manipulated me in life, she doesn’t get to have the final say anymore.
I DO!
More truths. More lies unraveled. More realizations
My mother’s spirit had A LOT more to say!
More confessions.
More truths I wasn’t ready for.
More revelations that changed the reality I thought I knew.
What she admitted next would force me to confront everything—my past, my beliefs, and the years I had spent trapped inside her lies, her control, her manipulations.
And for the first time in my life, I wasn’t going to accept her version of reality or her version of me anymore.
[Read more in The Conversations We Never Had.]