My descent into grief, fear, and spiritual desperation after her death
The freedom I felt after my mean narcissistic mother died in August 2021 was sharp, intoxicating, and short lived. For a fleeting moment, I thought I finally escaped. But the relief dissolved fast, swallowed by rage, followed by panic, and then something worse.
I felt unsafe in my own home, but not metaphorically. I was terrified her spirit could hurt me from the grave. It didn’t matter whether it was possible. What mattered was how real the fear felt in my being. It took over everything!
And underneath it all was the unbearable weight of truth I’d recently discovered about my mother.
I had only recently admitted I was abused in December 2020. Eight months later she was gone. There was no time to process it. No time to speak it aloud before it was too late. No time to make sense of anything. I broke down at the smallest triggers.
My grief wasn’t about losing a mother. My grief was about losing the illusion of who I thought she was and realizing she had stolen everything.
Therapy helped. It kept me breathing and it gave me space to fall apart. But, it wasn’t enough. Something deeper was rising within me that therapy couldn’t touch.
What I was experiencing felt like spiritual desperation, which I described as the soul-level urgency that arose when my emotional healing hit a wall. Only deeper truths, energetic answers, and divine connection brought peace.
Because I wasn’t just hurting. I was starving. I needed answers that didn’t exist in this world:
Why did she choose me to abuse?
Why did she want to break me?
Why did I still feel bound to her, even in death?
Why, after everything, did I still love her? Was it even love?
Why did I become obsessed with her after she died?
I turned toward the only place left to look—the other side.
I devoured books about psychic mediumship, Christ consciousness, near-death experiences, pre-birth soul planning. I’d always been drawn to mediumship. Now it was a lifeline.
These books introduced me to something I’d never known: that love, joy, and freedom are how life is meant to feel!!! Not fear. Not survival. Not silence.
Everything I was raised in was the opposite of what’s true! This was a mind blowing concept for me!
And then I began to wonder:
Did I choose this life experience?
Did she choose this life experience?
Did our souls plan this abusive chaos and toxicity before we were born? If so, why?
Did my mother agree to play the villain so I could rise?
Did I agree to be the scapegoat so she could experience her own fall?
Did my father choose to be her punching bag to assist her in this life experience?
The questions wouldn’t stop and nothing in this world could answer them.
That’s when I knew I needed a psychic medium. Not just a one-hour reading and not just a slot on someone’s waitlist.
I needed someone who could go deep with me into challenging topics, be available at length, and hold space for every broken, burning question that haunted me. I needed a medium in my back pocket who could deliver non-cryptic messages from the other side and who was strong enough to face the darkness with me. Someone who wouldn’t hesitate.
I found her. Demi is an internationally recognized psychic medium, somatic energy healer, and trauma survivor. We entered into a six-month, one-on-one, $10,000 contract. Absolutely and without a doubt this is the best money I’ve ever spent on myself!
Together, we opened a door I never knew existed. And what I found on the other side wasn’t just surface level healing. It was a soul healing. So many moments of undeniable truth that enabled me to see everything—my past, my pain, my patterns—with new eyes.
PHOTO: Screenshot of a channeling session with Demi.
