Channeling session with my soul

January 2024 session transcript

“Take me deeper into this energy, spirit. I invite your soul to have a conversation with me. Your soul is coming forward and showing itself in your sacral chakra,” Demi said as she began our session. Her brown eyes were closed and her facial expressions softened as she connected.

Demi’s voice slowed and her head tilted slightly upward to her right as my soul began to communicate through her.

The first message surprised me.

“She still thinks she is not enough and this is the key to everything she desires to have. Once she truly understands that she is enough in this moment, all will break open. The healing work is never about achievement. It’s simply about doing the work. It’s simply about loving the work we do. It’s not to prove anything. It’s not to show anyone. It’s not to prove to yourself. Find joy in the work you do and know it is enough.

“We want you to know you are right on schedule. There is nothing more you are meant to be doing and there is nothing off timeline. Right now, you are very much within the realm of what you are meant to be doing. There are many many many years left in your life,” my soul said.

I asked Demi why my soul referred to itself as WE instead of I.

“When your soul says WE it’s because it doesn’t see itself as separate. Souls know there is no real separation—not between you and your mother, not between you and Source (GOD), not between you and your husband, or anyone else. Your soul is a collective expression of All That Is. It only ‘breaks itself off’ to come into this human experience as Carole Murphy.”

“I’m seeing late 80s to early 90s for your life,” Demi added.

“There is still a lot of life left, so there is no need to be in a rush,” my soul said.

Feeling rushed was one of my longest running survival patterns. I was never fast enough, never doing enough to please my mother. Just the sound of her approaching footsteps could send me into a performance spiral—I’d leap into scrambled motion even if there was nothing to do. I carried that urgency into adulthood and midlife, convincing myself that momentum was safety.

Hearing my soul say there’s no need to be in a rush felt so good.

“Right now, this is a time of reconfiguration of really allowing yourself to reconfigure to this new identity of your true self. To reconfigure to this new frequency you are holding and to make this your new norm. One of the main things you are meant to be doing in this part of your life is making this new being-ness your norm.

“There will continue to be an evolution that lands you even deeper and deeper into your power. Of course, we are always in a state of evolving; however, understand that all the information still has not landed in yet—this isn’t necessarily in terms of writing your story; it is in terms of your life,” my soul said.

By the time we channeled my soul at the very end of my six-month contract with Demi, I had been working consistently and relentlessly on my healing.

I’ve learned to love myself in the way my family of origin never could. And now, hearing my soul validate that by naming this phase a reconfiguration by describing this energy as my new norm—it was a beautiful confirmation.

“I’m really feeling this is the time to go ahead and bring in some of your questions,” Demi prompted.

She knew I always brought a list of questions to our channeling sessions. The comment about me not yet knowing I’m enough still lingered in my mind, so I went there first.

“If I still think I’m not enough, what does being enough sound like and look like? Is there any guidance?” I asked.

“Yes, of course we are seeing and celebrating your growth. One of the main aspects has to do with money and it has to do with the way you view money as your view of being enough,” explained my soul.

“This came through at the very beginning of this session before we began channeling,” Demi said, indicating its importance.

(*)And there it was. Of course.

MONEY.

Even thinking about the word created tension—a dark, sinking, disgraceful shame lodged deep inside my body.

Money wasn’t the root of every scream or every fight, but it was the weapon of choice often enough that it sure as hell became its own form of abuse. In my upbringing, money was a leash. It held more emotional charge than any object in our home. I grew up believing it was dangerous and something to be avoided at all costs.

My mother always insisted there wasn’t enough, even when my dad quietly said otherwise. And God forbid any of it be spent on something that brought comfort or joy. Money could be used for survival, but only on her terms. Anything else was wasteful and shameful. And I certainly wasn’t worth it.

I learned early that asking for what I needed wasn’t safe. When I needed new undergarments, she body-shamed me in the store—loudly and publicly as punishment (I was wholly mortified and ashamed!). When I needed new boots because mine were too small, she made me wait a month to wear them as punishment. So I silenced my needs before they ever made it to my lips. I taught myself how to make do without.

When my father, his body breaking down from nearly 60 years of enduring her volatility needed $40 chiropractor visits just to function, she threatened to cut up his debit card. So I paid for those visits myself. She hated the loss of control and hated that someone else stepped in where she once ruled.

That’s what money was in my childhood: not support, but restriction. Not resource, but weapon. Not fun, but fear. No wonder I felt so much shame toward money!

After she died, the damage lingered loud and visceral in my body and mind. When I received my small inheritance, I wasn’t relieved. I was TERRIFIED! And I didn’t even understand why at the time. The inheritance didn’t feel like support. It felt like returning to the scene of the crime and standing in front of the same executioner. I bet you can guess what happened to that money. (Spoiler alert: it’s not good.)

It felt unstable and explosive, just like her. I didn’t trust it, I tiptoed around it, I feared its judgment. I expected it to shame me for how I used it (I actually felt shameful using it!), to call me irresponsible, and to question my instincts, my hunger, my right to receive. It didn’t help that my bullying sibling was the one in charge of distribution. That was double shame—my mother’s money and my bullying sibling’s distribution of it!

Even when things were okay financially, I braced for the inevitable withdrawal of money yanking itself away as punishment. When abundance showed up, I met it with suspicion and fear. Every moment of ease carried a sinister whisper, “You’ll pay for this later!”

This wasn’t just mindset. It was trauma wired deep in my nervous system by a woman who made me prove my right to exist. And the worst part wasn’t the fear or the loss. It was the white-knuckled desperation to stay afloat and to pay the bills. To not be a failure and to finally, somehow, feel safe. My worthiness always felt like it was one mistake away from being revoked and punished. Because it was.

What I didn’t realize until uploading this session into The Convos fifteen months later was just how deeply I had come to fear money the same way I feared my mother. How did I finally make the connection? By paying attention to the feelings in my body and realizing they were an exact match to how I felt about my mother! The same panic! The same flinching and bracing! The same self-shaming! The same need to stay small and get it right or else!

My relationship with money wasn’t just shaped by her. IT fucking WAS HER! This is a major revelation for me because it allowed me to see the truth: I’m not stupid with money and it’s okay for me to spend it the way I want to and need to. I was reacting to money as if it was her. Change the reaction, change the outcome.

So, here’s what I know now: I am no longer surviving. my worth comes from within, and my enough-ness comes from within.

I started with forgiveness just like Jeshua said in Session 5—forgive yourself first. I forgave myself for the fear, for the guilt, for the panic at checkout lines, for the self-shame. For flinching when the paycheck comes in. I forgive myself for not knowing, until now, that money was never the enemy—it was just carrying her loud, hateful voice.

I used to hate money for obvious reasons. But now? Money is a friend I love. Hear this: yes, it’s okay to love money because I’ve lived the opposite of loving money. Money is a partner and a source of joy, care, freedom, and expansion. (*)

“Money is one of the places you’re still putting enough-ness on something outside of yourself. You are gripped on thinking you have to do this or you have to do that or you need to make something happen in order for the money to be present so you can still feel like enough and actually get things going,” said my soul.

I’ve tied my worth to the gripping and to the struggle because the struggle was the only place I’d ever lived. That frantic, desperate grip I’d been holding for as long as I could remember.

It wasn’t just about the money—it was about my survival. It was the grip I learned to hold as a child just trying to stay safe. The grip that said if I let go, I will fall. If I loosen my hold for even a second, everything will collapse.

And, the truth is that the grip worked. It kept me safe and on high alert—ready to fix, ready to appease, ready to try to outrun the next explosion.

But my soul knew. My soul could see what I couldn’t see for most of my life: that the grip itself was choking me.

“Really, it is that internal knowing that no matter what the external circumstances are, no matter how quickly you write your story, no matter how quickly we move any of those things—you are enough right now in this moment as you are standing here.”

At first, I thought my soul meant “go with the flow.” And maybe it kind of did. But loosening the grip isn’t the same thing as going with the flow—not for someone like me. I gripped for survival, which meant going with the flow felt irresponsible and dangerous.

Loosening the grip is the gentle, deliberate act of unlearning fear and disconnecting my mother’s voice from money. It’s honoring that the grip served me once, but that I don’t need it anymore. I don’t need it anymore!

“Does my lack of knowing I’m enough explain why my husband and I have phases of depletion and financial struggle?” I asked my soul.

I was looking for a connection to explain our frequent bouts with depletion and financial struggle. Was this a pre-birth plan or a karmic cycle?

“It’s important that you not put blame on yourself,” my soul encouraged.

“This is one of the things that is really prominent,” Demi confirmed.

My soul continued, “Knowing that yes, we are working toward a deeper energetic alignment, but it’s also important for you to understand you are not doing anything wrong. You in your human form tend to grip to certain reasons or grip to certain aspects of why things aren’t landing in when really it’s about you just loosening the grip.”

Geez, I’ve always felt I’m doing something wrong, which makes sense given my upbringing. This is such a natural feeling for me that I didn’t realize it was a thing that needed changing.

Is loosening my grip the only thing I have to do? Is it really that simple?

I need to unclench my fists and let the old script burn. Gripping isn’t power. Gripping is fear, which makes loosening the bravest thing I can do!

“There isn’t necessarily a reason why other than I’m right where I’m supposed to be and I’m choosing to lean into my enough-ness right now with the open hand outstretched to symbolize receiving whether it brings us financial abundance or it doesn’t. I know I’m enough whether financial abundance comes in right now or not.

“It is your grip to needing to know why or needing to know what you need to fix in order for money to come to you that actually creates more resistance in money flowing,”  my soul said.

The open hand my soul showed me is the opposite of the gripped hand. But how can safety exist if I’m not gripped in the safety of control? My nervous system didn’t know how to loosen the grip. Letting go didn’t feel like flow. It felt like free fall, danger, and exposure because in my past, it was.

Now my soul is showing me something new. Now, safety comes from trust in myself, in my knowing, in my soul, in the guidance I’m already receiving.

This is the shift. This is what loosening the grip looks like.

This is the moment where fear stops driving and trust takes the wheel—and I’m letting it.

Whew. I’m tired. Time to switch gears.

“What are the lessons my soul is here to learn?” I asked, curious to gain more insight.

“All lessons are here for a greater capacity of love. We want to remind you of the love you are inherently. Any lesson that comes to pass inside of the human experience is to remind you of love. It is really interesting we choose to embody the human experience to forget aspects of what we already are, yet it’s almost a thrill to us. We love the experience. We love the game of remembering. We love the game of coming back home. We love the game of remembrance inside of the human experience,” my soul said.

“What is my soul’s age?” I recently learned souls have an age.

“I’m shown it’s actually fairly young to mature,”Demi replied.

“This is one of the reasons why you are able to be so playful and joyful and really find those more fun aspects of life because you really are in those younger age aspects. It’s like a cyclical experience. We actually get to experience all soul ages, then get brought back down to the young soul experience.

“In fact, you’ve done one full rotation and you opted to come back as that young soul. You’ve only incarnated five lifetimes inside this current soul experience. We incarnate, we forget, we remember, we become the old soul, then we come back down to allow ourselves to go through the process again,” my soul explained.

“Am I here to heal anything at the soul level?” I asked.

“Forget. It is the fact that you are in that young-adult soul experience, you were meant to forget we are a soul embodying a human experience. That is one of the experiences you are meant to have. As you continue on, the remembrance time will get shorter as your soul ages,” my soul replied.

“What is the blueprint that was created during my pre-birth planning?”

I first stumbled across the concept of pre-birth planning early in my healing journey, back when I was still desperate to understand how a mother could intentionally harm her own helpless child. I had to know why. Why would a soul choose this? Why would I choose this?

Did my dysfunctional, toxic family make it possible for me to learn what I came here to learn? Did my mother play her role to absolute perfection? Was my pre-birth plan designed to take me so far away from who I truly am that finding my way back would become my greatest act of power? Or was it to assist my mother in her evolution? Or both?

These were questions my abused self could never have entertained. The idea that I—or my mother—could have agreed to this felt impossible from the lens of the wounded child. But the neutral observer in me—the part of me that fought to climb up into the balcony and witness the stage of my life from above—needed to know.

“You already know what the blueprint is: you and your mother and the roles each of you would play. You very much chose to be the martyr as an opportunity for your mom to reach her experience; also, knowing in this evolution you would have your own experience, as well. Your mom was much more of an old soul. She understood and knew because she had done this many times,” my soul answered.

The martyr?

I was the one who stood in the line of fire so she could have her experience? I was the one who took the brunt of everything so the stage could be set for both of our soul evolutions?

I did it well, that’s for sure! I fulfilled my end of the deal with expert precision and massive courage.

“What does it mean to be a martyr?” I asked. I wanted to be sure I understood fully.

“The martyr is the one who takes an underdog stance inside of a relationship in order for somebody else to reach their goals or to reach their fullest potential. For your mom, her fullest potential was to have the experience she had in this lifetime so she could then reflect back on it in order to move forward from it,” Demi said.

Demi then explained something really cool about me being the martyr in this lifetime: “It’s important for you to understand the martyr then gets to become the victor because you get to move through your own process just as you are doing right now—the process of healing, of coming into your own knowing, of going through your soul expression.

“Understand that on the other side, dark and light have the same charge—there is no difference in the charge of dense emotion and light emotion because it is all simply an emotion and all simply an experience. It’s only us as human beings who differentiate opposites like light and dark. But, from the soul expression, being a martyr is actually a really potent aspect and is just as commendable as being the victor inside of an experience because it’s all neutralized,” Demi explained.

“Tell me more about the blueprint,” Demi asked my soul. She sensed they weren’t finished weaving the threads of this lifetime together.

“Your husband was absolutely part of your blueprint. He came through as an anchor point for you to supportively hold you in place as you navigated. You are an explorer and he is that stable pinpoint and comforting home base for you. It’s important you allow yourself to see him as such because there are times when you want him to be more adventurous on his own, but that is not his role in this life.

“His role in this life is to be the pinpoint, the lightning rod to hold everything in place. Don’t let that keep you from being in your adventurous spirit. He can be that stability and you can still be the adventurous spirit because that is what you are meant to do.”

And he has.

My husband loves me in a way I have never experienced in this lifetime. Unconditionally and without control or manipulation. His love has always been safe. His presence has always been stable. He has always been the anchor while I’ve learned how to let myself exist.

In earlier channelings, Demi shared that my husband and I have incarnated together frequently, but this time is the first in a very long time that we came in as mated. This lifetime, we chose each other not just as souls crossing paths, but as true blueprinted, aligned, loving partners.

My soul continued: “All of your children bring out a different aspect of your soul essence that you are meant to embody in this lifetime. Know it’s OK to be a different mom to each of them; the consistency matters to each child, not to the unit as a whole, especially as they are in their adult lives. It’s OK to be a different mom to each of them,” my soul said.

I felt so much relief hearing that because I’ve had moments when I’ve really struggled with being a mother (duh, look at my own experience with my mother) and wondering if I’m doing it right. Should I be the same mom to all of them? Should I parent one way across the board?

But my soul encouraged me to meet each of my children where they are. Encouragement to let my relationship with each of them be as unique as they are. Not one-size-fits-all. But intentional, individual, and very aligned.

That was the blueprint.

“What are some of the locations I’ve lived in previous lifetimes?”

“France comes through first and foremost. I do feel some Grecian roots coming through,” Demi said.

“In most of your lifetimes, you lived a very modest life. Not a lot of money, but money wasn’t needed and didn’t need to be sought after because the modest life was just what you knew. You made do with what was present,” my soul said.

Hmmm, maybe living the modest life in most of my previous lifetimes explains my desire for luxury travel and fashionable clothes in this lifetime.

That makes sense because it’s a strong pull on my heart just like BEACH, PAINT, and SAND are as we explored in channeling session 8.

“Yes, making do with what is present is naturally within me in this current lifetime.” I confirmed.

“So you living in this more abundant frequency now and allowing more money to come in is actually very new for you. So there’s a lot of navigating with that surrounding what it actually looks like and what it actually means. It’s you learning how to work with money and learning how to allow yourself to spend freely without guilt, yet taking care of all of your baseline needs and making sure that you have that stable foundation. It’s important for you to have compassion and grace with yourself about your money story because, again, it’s all new to you,” my soul said.

“That explains so much!”

This was a huge a-ha! moment for me and it felt like permission to stop punishing myself for not knowing how to do this yet and to stop carrying the shame of not having it together financially by a certain age.

Because how could I have known how to do this financial stuff? No one taught me! Plus, look at my interpretation of money mirroring my mother!

Of course this is all new to me.

“Is my soul seeing and experiencing the growth it wanted to?”

“You are right on time. You are everything you planned and it is right on time. Your human experience wants to attach to a mile marker, but it doesn’t need to attach to a mile marker. Just allow it to be what it is and to know it is enough.”

“Ohhhhhhh! It’s all connected! This feeling of ENOUGH is connected to everything in my human experience!” Another a-ha! moment hit me quickly.

“Yes,” Demi affirmed.

“If everything is on time, then what’s next?” I asked with anticipation, hoping to receive some insight into my future.

“That is the great mystery,” my soul vaguely replied.

“I don’t want that answer,” I joked, trying to pry a little deeper. “I want to know the excitement that’s coming next. But, I’ve learned that if I walk into whatever is next realizing I am enough, I am a Soul, I am a Spark of the Divine, and I am inherently Love, then anything that’s next is really coming to serve me in a higher capacity. Same with money. Right?”

“Yes”, my soul said. “The inquisitive nature you have is really a beautiful quality. We want you to learn to direct it to the things that matter and not to questioning your own Self. Direct it to the things that matter because when you learn you are enough, you will not question if you’ve grown enough, you will not question if you’ve evolved enough, you will not question if your soul is proud of you, you will not question if your guides are proud of you because you will just know. You will know because you are enough.”

“It’s about changing the habit of being yourself,” Demi added. “You have grown SO much. You’ve had to question things and you’ve had to question your sanity and your moves and if you were enough your entire life beginning when you were a child. So, questioning is a habit you have created that has carried into your adulthood and mid-life. Now, this is about changing your habit of needing to question or to measure where you are in life and to just know that it is enough.”

“So this means it was designed during my pre-birth planning that I would awaken at this point in my life experience. Is AWAKEN the right word?” I asked.

“Yes, your awakening was designed during your pre-birth planning. And it is the right word,” Demi confirmed.

“This is a pinnacle a lot of people fail to look at in understanding their inherent enough-ness and their inherent worthiness. One of the things we forget as we move into the human experience is our enough-ness. We begin to place our enough-ness on things outside of ourself or on opinions given to us by others like those who are meant to care for us. When that isn’t validated and when that isn’t continually reminded within ourselves, then it grows into adulthood. But, it is all part of the plan because we must forget to then remember.

“You are at the pivotal point of a deeper awakening. You will still have profound awakenings. This is not THE awakening because there is no finish line, there is no mile marker. There are awakenings after awakenings after awakenings, but you have to decide that right now, it is enough and it is in understanding that right now, even if I didn’t awaken anymore and even if the financial situation never improves, I know that I am still enough. Every thing you have done up to this point is enough. And it is in choosing this understanding we then create the foundation for more revelation to come in,” explained my soul.

I could feel my body resisting, even as my soul offered the truth with such love. Because there was still a part of me that wanted reassurance that things would get easier. That I wouldn’t have to keep paying for my growth with more loss, more trauma, more devastation, more suffering.

So I asked, half-joking but also half-serous: “These awakenings aren’t going to come by the hand of more major life trauma, are they? Please, no. No more,” I said. I was joking, but I was honestly concerned.

Demi giggled with me.

“The hardest days of your life are behind you. In the human experience we cannot be promised that we don’t have traumatic moments or that we don’t have moments that shake us. Everybody has free will. There are so many aspects that go into it.

“But it’s important for you to understand that the hardest days of your life are behind you. And especially because you have begun to embody these tools and you have begun to embody these truths. Even in the face of an adverse experience you will be able to handle it much differently than you were able to ten years ago,” my soul said.

The hardest days of my life are behind me. I’ve heard this before from Jeshua. The Divine Feminine told me, too. Now my soul is telling me.

Three times. Three confirmations.

Not a promise that life will be without challenge, but a confirmation that the darkest, most destructive, most soul-crushing chapters are done.

“Is there anything my soul wants me to know that might be helpful? Is there anything in addition to what has already come through?”  Our session was coming to an end and I wanted to give my soul an opportunity to share anything they wanted to.

“Relax and enjoy the ride. We are very glad you’ve chosen to make contact with us in this respect because the words that have come through are meant to soften you even deeper. There is no need to search any longer. Your searching has finalized. Now it is about integrating, receiving. All of your energy that has been outputted in your searching and looking for the answers—now it is just receiving the answers and just being with the answers and knowing the answers and trusting the answers.

“This is more of a time of softness for you than it is a propel forward. Know there is still going to be action you take over the next six months to a year, yet it’s not in the same respect you’ve needed to do so in the past,” my soul said.

“Is there anything else that wants to come through?” Demi asked.

“Be with your husband. Just find reasons to be with him, to lean on him, to touch him, to hug him. Find reasons to be in his presence. Physical connection is important and potent for your soul’s growth because one of the things you’re learning right now is a deeper sense of vulnerability and a deeper sense of being cared for. So, the more you can just allow yourself to lean into him it will continue to facilitate your growth and what you’re meant to learn in this lifetime.”

I listened with a full heart. This was not instruction—it was invitation to love the man who has loved me with such unconditional steadiness. Permission to stop holding myself at arm’s length from receiving the care I once believed I didn’t deserve.

“In terms of what’s next,” my soul continued, “of course we all want to know those answers. And, the actions aren’t as important as the embodiment of the wisdom from everything you’ve learned. The actions you take next are truly up to you. Truly whatever you want. Whatever it is you choose to do from here is truly your decision.

“We want you to know you have the choice and we want you to feel empowered in that choice. What’s next doesn’t matter. What matters is your embodiment of what you’ve learned as you do it—the more you can come into love and the more you can come into your enough-ness and the more you can come into your own value.

“It’s about understanding the embodiment of I am Soul, I am God, I am Spark of Divine in motion and really taking that deeper and deeper into your experience and into your embodiment as you move about your life in whatever way feels fun for you.”

These final channeled words from my soul felt like the secret to the rest of my life. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could just be.