Channeling session with The Divine Feminine

August 2023 session transcript

“As I tune into and call forward this Divine Feminine energy, first there is a very giggling aspect and a very pleased feeling you are here seeking this level of understanding and this level of conversation. And just as there is that aspect coming through, there is also the shadow aspect of the Divine Mother coming through,” Demi said.

She channeled the Divine Mother first.

“Understand we all have the nature of the light and loving, and the dark and wrathful. We want you to understand that every aspect of energy and every aspect of self has a level of polarity that is both enlightened and in the dark. When we begin to understand that these are all part of the same whole, the dark or the light loses its charge and simply becomes neutral.

“And while in the human form these polarities may bring through different aspects of the emotional experience, in the spirit form they are still held in neutrality. While some people embody these darker essences in human form, from the spirit aspect, they are still held in neutrality,” said the Divine Mother.

“They’d like you to come forward with questions about that,” Demi said.

“I’m not quite sure what to ask,” I admitted. Honestly, the info coming through was a bit above my head.

When I sit in a channeling session, I have no clue what’s going to come through, so asking questions on the fly feels challenging. Plus, I was distracted by the purity and blessedness of the opportunity to hear communication from such a divinely beautiful energy.

Demi slowly nodded.

“One of the things you and the collective are called to do in this lifetime is to create an honoring of our own dark side and our nature that experiences anger and frustration. These darker aspects that many try to suppress versus love ourselves for. We are not meant to suppress the angry side of us.

“When it comes to allowing that darkness to be a part of our existence, many people think of embodying God as just embodying the light and that’s as far as they go. The human form cannot keep up with just embodying the light, embodying the joy, embodying the freedom and the bliss because there are very real experiences on the Earth playground that bring forward frustration and shame and anger.

“And while you’re not meant to live in those energies and let them be the complete encompassing experience, there is an honoring and loving of self that we are all meant to have as we navigate those emotions. And so when you begin to understand that emotions of frustration and anger and wrath are just as worthy as the emotions of love and joy and bliss and happiness and free flowing and in connection, where can you allow the neutrality of the experience to be a more guiding force?” said the Divine Feminine.

“What does this bring up for you?” Demi asked.

“That it is OK and necessary to feel and experience a wide range of emotions. During my childhood, I was never permitted to feel or display any emotions whatsoever, and this restriction has followed me into adulthood and into midlife.

“As a child, I was scolded and shut down every time I showed happiness. When I expressed sadness or anger, I was threatened that I would be given something even more upsetting to cry about. It was difficult and draining to have to constantly keep my feelings a secret and shut down on a day-to-day basis.

“For me, it’s about learning to return to the center point, that place of neutrality between opposing feelings. It’s about experimenting with letting myself feel all feelings fully without fear of punishment and without identifying with them.” I said.

I now understand that my mom had to shut down my emotions in order to maintain control for her own benefit. She couldn’t risk letting me feel because feeling might’ve led me to question her. It might’ve fed my inner fire instead of feeding her beast within.

“You are in the center, Carole. The fact that you’re able to look both ways and see all aspects of emotions is the work embodied. It’s allowing yourself to be in the neutral point and to have the experience of the trepidation or the joy, but, ‘I am.’ ‘I am.’ It is safe to even communicate the frustration, communicate the joy—communicate all aspects. And to love yourself and to know that you are loved no matter what is being experienced emotionally.”

“Because I can always navigate back to center. I never knew how to do that,” I said.

“And center is love,” said The Divine Feminine.

“Oh! Yes! Center is love!” I repeated as the words landed. A big lightbulb moment.

I’d been learning a lot recently about the importance of and the all reaching healing power of love. That may sound elementary to some, but as someone who was abused and shown that love was never safe, the reminder of how essential love truly is has been one of the most pivotal keys in my healing.

Jeshua also spoke about emotions—not as flaws or obstacles, but as integral parts of being human. He reminded me that I am not defined by any single emotion and that even the darkest feelings are part of the wholeness of who we are. His message echoed what The Divine Feminine revealed in this session: that it is safe to feel everything and that love is the center we can always return to.

“I’m really feeling Mother Mary coming through. She has a very mothering essence and she is coming forward in this mothering essence for you, Carole,” Demi told me.

Mother Mary is coming through in a mothering essence for me? Cue the tears. So, this is what being mothered is supposed to feel like…

“You’ve been putting too much pressure on yourself to get it right, to understand. It is in your quiet time that you find the answers you seek. You’ve been doing a lot of seeking,” said Mother Mary.

She was right about doing a lot of seeking. I had logged endless hours reading, researching, unraveling every thread I could find about maternal narcissistic abuse because I was desperate to understand why my mother treated me the way she did.

I learned a lot about narcissistic abuse in the process, but I never found the answers I was really looking for: Why me? Why was I the one she chose to abuse? I sought that answer like it was my oxygen (because it was).

All the books, the articles, the late-night Googling gave me language and validation. But, they never gave me my mother’s language. I needed my mother’s language and input.

It wasn’t until I started channeling my mother’s spirit with Demi that the why finally started to take shape. Not the clinical why nor a textbook version—the spirit-level why. The wounded woman why. The part she never, ever would’ve said while she was alive, but that her spirit was finally ready to confess.

“One of the things they are all really being SO loud about is you understanding that it is in the quiet that you can hear them. They are showing me your energy of, ‘How do I hear you? How do I hear you? How do I hear you?’ It’s a matter of you saying, ‘I’m open to hearing you,’ while you’re just being in the silence. You have to be patient.

“They’re giggling because patience is a huge thing for you where it’s a matter of you giving yourself enough time. If it doesn’t happen in the first five minutes, sit for another five minutes. Because at the five minute mark you’re saying, ‘OK, it’s been five minutes. I’m not hearing anything. I must be doing something wrong.’

“But it’s giving yourself enough time to calm yourself and to land in. It generally takes about eight minutes for the conscious mind to fully drop out of presence and that’s when you can allow that deeper communication to come through.

“When you’re working with this listening, give yourself at least 25 minutes, witness whatever thoughts come into your mind in order to push them out of the way…” Demi said. She paused mid sentence, softened her gaze, and lingered in a deep breath.

“…and just allow us to speak to you.” The Divine Feminine came through to complete Demi’s sentence.

“OK. And you’re 100% spot on about my wondering about how I’m supposed to hear and my lack of patience when it comes to sitting still in the quiet long enough. I do love the quiet, but I cannot let myself rest in it long enough. I’m going to work on that,” I said.

“You also really have to work on your softer essence because you’re such a fiery go-getter and you are such a seeker. These are beautiful qualities and we are not here to take them away from you, but we want you to learn how to balance them and to learn how to be in the quiet and to feel safe in the quiet.

“At times the gripping to the experience and desiring it so much is your call to safety. It’s as if you’re moving and in the space of learning and growing that it keeps you safe. But, really, your work right now is learning to feel safety in the quiet. Learning to feel safety in the pause. Learning to feel safety in the void,” they said.

“Feeling safe in the quiet has always been a challenge for me,” I acknowledged.

Feeling safe at any time had been a challenge, whether it was something big or something small and seemingly insignificant. But stillness felt like a crime. If I wasn’t moving, cleaning, helping, pleasing, proving, there was hell to pay.

“As I drop into your experience, what they’re showing me is there were often times where that quiet pause led to an explosive experience with your mom. And so it’s about you learning that this is not the case anymore. The only way for you to understand that it’s safe now and to be able to feel it through your cellular experience is by letting it happen,” Demi said.

“You are 100% spot on. Being quiet was never safe because I was abused into believing I had to be in constant motion. Non-stop motion. Rest was never, ever safe. Quiet was never, ever safe. I always had to be doing something or cleaning something without knowing what my mom wanted done or how she wanted it done.

“I was demanded to know what she wanted done without her telling me. She refused to tell me—it was so confusing and scary, especially when I was a young child. I always walked on eggshells and operated on pins and needles, even when she was in a good mood. I could never do anything right by her. I’d get in huge trouble for the slightest of mistakes. Being in the quiet is what I always longed for, but the outcome was always terrifying.”

“We want you to rewrite the story with the quiet and the pause and the void: ‘In the void, I find greater connection,’” they said.

I took a deep breath and let it sink in. “I can find that deeper connection because I don’t have to worry about my mom’s 0-100 explosive rages anymore because she’s no longer on Earth.”

“My thirst for understanding led me to reading about the absent father energy and the stifling mother energy. I believe I am very strongly identified with the absent father energy because I have trouble connecting deeply and emotionally with people. I also fear the stifling mother energy, for obvious reasons. I initially thought my lack of being able to connect emotionally was the result of being raped. Mother Mary, can you please share some ways for me to be able to connect deeply and emotionally with the people I love?” I asked.

At one point, I assumed my difficulty with emotional connection was the result of being raped. But, the more I healed, the more I wondered if the trauma went even deeper than that into the very framework of my childhood.

“When you are constantly being there for yourself, it doesn’t give room for other people to be there for you. You can drop into this by understanding just because you can serve yourself in some way or just because you can take care of things on your own does not mean that you cannot ask for help.

“The absent father energy presents in you as you taking care of everything yourself. This is a space for learning to delegate and learning to ask for your needs to be met without any attachment. It’s going to take a little while for the family unit to calibrate to you asking for help and at first it may be dismissed, so just ride the wave as they calibrate to this new energy.

“We want you to be very understanding that when you start this ripple, it’s OK to let people do things their own way because when you ask people to do something, they’re showing up in the best way they can. And there are many right ways to do different things.

“When it comes to being emotionally supported, you need to ask for your needs to be met in a very specific way. So, ask in the more [detailed] form whenever you’re asking for your emotional needs to be met.

“When it comes to asking for exterior needs to be met, let go of the expectation of what that actually looks like [because people show up the best way they can and it may be different from the way you do things].

“Allow people to feel seen as they are helping and to understand that you are also dropping into a deeper level of communication that opens up the availability for your needs to be met. 

“You have to understand the way that you have been compensating for the absent father in your life. Whenever we have an absence in our life and you have the awareness of that absence, the ways within yourself that you’ve been compensating for that absence are that you overdo some things or you need some things to be a particular way in order to make up for the absence of father. When we go beyond that comfort point and it turns into a little more of an obsession in that it has to be done a certain way or else—this is when you know you’re overcompensating for the absent father,” Mother Mary said.

I felt so held and seen as I listened to her.

There are absolutely things I overdo and things I need done a particular way. Loading the dishwasher in the most efficient way possible is one of them. If someone loads it “wrong,” I get tight and agitated inside. I’d never thought about it as overcompensating for father absence before, but it makes sense.

“My dad traveled three weeks out of every month and it felt like he was never home. Based on how my mom treated him, I’m sure he was thankful for the travel aspect of his job. Seriously, though, the aspect of, ‘it has to be this way, or else,’ is exactly how my mother was and she was very aggressive about it,” I said.

“Your mom was compensating for both the absent father and the absent husband. And in a lot of ways, that was her way of trying to make him see how good she was. Make him see how she could keep everything together if he would just be present. ‘I just want you to see that everything is OK here so that you are more present,’” Demi explained.

“Ohhhhhhh, I see!” I said, the lightbulb snapping on when I connected my mom’s own absent father and her absent husband.

Mother Mary explained further, “[Your mother’s] biological father very much had the mindset that a child is just a child. There is no connection there to seeing her as an actual person when she was a child. He didn’t view her or any of his other children as a person.

“He was a very selfish and self-centered man. He provided for his family to a degree. The absent father, especially in her generation, is something that began the shift back to The Divine Feminine energy.

“The way that Jesus has been used in the Biblical sense as a power play through generations really began to start its crumbling during the time your mother was a child. What this looks like is that her father [was] still in the very dominant position of power where it’s, ‘I’m the man, I make the rules.’ This was an absent father and it wasn’t the way the masculine is meant to be a father.

“Your father was a little more present. Though there was definitely a level of absence, there was a much deeper level of love there. He was able to be more loving than your mother’s father. You began to feel some of that presence of father. Even though he was absent, you did feel a level of connection with him. There was an absence of his physical support, yet there was a level of love and care that was present.

“With your own husband, as you’ve moved through this experience with him, he is a much more present father and man. You can see that through the generations, [these examples show] the way the energy is shifting and we’re coming into these deeper awarenesses that the darkness we mentioned earlier doesn’t necessarily mean negative or bad—it was [simply] part of the collective shift that was beginning to happen.

“That polarity, that ripping apart of the absent father from your mother feeling very separated from the masculine to her beginning to try to have a level of control inside the household in order to bring the masculine back into the picture. Now, this has transformed with you and your husband as part of the collective process.”

“I would love to have a bit more expansion and explanation of how all of the above affected my mom. This new awareness is very liberating for me. I’d like to be able to write about it in a way that will land in for my readers who are still in the trenches of being on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse and/or living under the roof of their abuser. How can they read this and apply it to their own daily survival?” I asked.

“The first thing [your readers] need to do is to step into the space of awareness. The space of awareness is the savior because when we are in the depths of the despair [from abuse] we cannot find a solution because we cannot see anything other than the despair [from abuse].

“Just like [for] you, one of the first steps was to become aware of what was actually happening [you realizing you were being abused]. And while in the spirit sense the labels [like narcissistic abuse] do not exist, the human form first needs the label to begin to make sense of it.

“And so it’s OK to label and understand what is actually happening [to you]. The human form understands ‘narcissist’ and the human form understands ‘abuse.’  The first step is to admit that that is what is being experienced,” shared The Divine Feminine.

“Admitting that abuse is what I was experiencing was very, very  hard for me to do. So if the first step is awareness and labeling it as narcissistic abuse, which was certainly the case for me, what’s the next step?” I asked in a very serious tone.

I have firsthand experience with how hard the initial awareness is.

“First we come to the awareness that, ‘I am being abused, this is not correct behavior.’ The next step is to begin to separate yourself from it.

“To begin to understand that, ‘I have been abused, but I am not all that has been placed upon me.’ For many this looks like a spiritual and meditative journey or a therapy journey. There are many paths that one can use. There is no right way—just what is right for the individual,” they explained.

Separation was the only tool I had when I was still living under my mother’s roof as her caregiver. I was deep in the trenches receiving her abuse while trying to protect my terminally ill father from it, too. There was no safety and no escape. Just the barest thread of inner separation. A flicker of awareness that whispered this isn’t love, this isn’t normal, this isn’t okay.

Even that quiet separation—the mental and emotional distance I began cultivating before I ever physically left that house was an act of survival. And, an act of rebellion.

“In one of our earlier channeling sessions, Demi, my mom apologized for beating my free spiritedness out of me. I would love to hear if these Divine Feminine energies can share some ways for me to get my free spiritedness back or further it along,” I requested.

“I’m getting very emotional with what they’re saying,” Demi said.

“[Your free spiritedness] never truly left you and that’s what you need to realize. It never truly left. While the abuse and while the experiences that you had may have dimmed its presence and caused it to hide away, it’s never truly gone anywhere. This is where you have to just give yourself permission to play with it,” they encouraged.

“I’m seeing things like you getting your face painted at the fair or just allowing yourself to do something that is so outside the box for you, really honoring that free-spirited little girl. Allow yourself to dress colorfully, do your hair differently, apply glittery eyeshadow. Do something creative in your home. Allow yourself to be seen. Honor the playful, fun, creative, sparkly aspect of yourself. This is an aspect of you that you’ve dimmed down,” Demi said, giving examples.

Color.

When our oldest daughter got married, I wore a long navy blue gown with a pair of neon pink Tieks ballet flats. Looking back, I realize that must’ve been my free-spiritedness peeking out and sneaking her way into the day through a bold flash at my feet.

My mother was at the wedding. Of course she criticized my shoe choice. But I wore them anyway.

That little flash of rebellion—that radiant, defiant flicker—felt delicious. And now I can see it for what it really was: a message from my free-spirited inner child. Every time I leaned into color, into fun, into something outside her rigid rulebook, I felt a spark of rebellious, cheeky joy. I didn’t know it then, but it was my true self waving a flag from underground.

“It’s the most simple ways and things you can do for yourself. You don’t have to do anything really big. We want you to play. It’s OK and safe to do so. Then, you can come back down to a comfortable neutral space if you want to. Play above, come back down as much as you want to.

“You’re not meant to maintain an incredibly high frequency [all the time], especially right now because you are retraining yourself. We want you to understand that it’s not about pressuring yourself to constantly be in a high vibration. It’s about those little honorings of understanding when your free spirit wants to come out in whatever way to play or to rest. You should honor that. And, the next day you can honor your free spirit by being under the radar while not following a schedule,” they explained.

“So, you could be in a hoodie and sweatpants while lounging on the couch and feeling rebellious because you’re not following a schedule. Just be in the flow of where your energy is on any given day and know that that’s enough,” Demi said.

Yes! That kind of permission felt revolutionary!

To be told it’s okay to lounge on the couch, wear a hoodie, skip the damn to-do list and still be honoring my free spirit? That feels like freedom! The kind I didn’t even know I was allowed to want.

The kind I finally feel ready to receive.

“What are the rapidly moving parts that are working within my energy as I’m healing? Can you please offer some guidance or enlightenment?” I inquired.

“Mystery and miracles await!” they hinted. “It is in the gripping to what is happening that we really place limits on what is possible for us, so sometimes we have to allow that mystery and the miracles to happen.

“We want you to find comfort in the void and find comfort in the silence, knowing that in the silence and in the void is where the magic happens. But when you’re constantly shining the light in and you’re constantly looking, it doesn’t give spirit space to create the magic that spirit wants to create for you.”

“Everything is just divine timing, isn’t it?” I surmised.

“Am I considered a healer or a lightworker?” I asked.

“You can put whatever label on it you want to put on it. You are what you are, and that is love. The most important thing for you to know is that you are love. Love embodies the human form in many different ways.

“To label yourself a healer or a lightworker—whatever it is you decide you want to be in this season [of your life], you are perfectly allowed to do that. This is one of the places where the human is called to trust the pull of spirit. You can feel safe in however you want to identify yourself.”

“What do you want me to know about myself or about my healing progress thus far? What would you like me to carry with me once our session is over?” I was curious to hear their opinion of my healing progress.

“We want you to take some time in reflection of truly how far you’ve come. So, when you look at [your] healing, it’s easy to look forward at still everything you want to gain and everything you want to experience and all the things you want to heal from and dive deeper into. Yet, you’re a lot farther along than you give yourself credit for.

“We are very proud of you and we want you to be proud of you, too. We want you to see the energy and the depth and everything that you’ve moved through to really get to the space where you are now to even have the bravery and the courage you have to write your story, to get it all out there because this takes a lot. You [five years ago] would’ve never have had the capacity to do so.

“This is something that when it comes to your healing, the Mother is always pointing you back to yourself and pointing back to the beauty you are. We want you to understand how innately loved you are, and yes, you are love, yet you are loved just the same. It is in honoring that love of self that we’re able to move through and heal these different aspects of feeling unloved and of feeling the separation from love.

“To amplify the love that you are, you must love yourself and you must see yourself as a divine being because until you’re able to see that, there will be the constant searching for something outside of you to fix or shift or change what is actually already present [within you],” they said.

“This is so in alignment with my journey. Thank you.”

“We’ve talked about how my power has always been there even though it was stripped away by my mom. How best can I communicate to my readers about how to come into their own power, especially if they’re still living under their abuser’s roof or are still being affected by their abuser?” I asked.

My power was callously stripped away from me to the point where I believed I didn’t have any power at all.

“I really want to drop deep into this question,” Demi said.

“We want to remind you that the first and foremost most potent and powerful tool someone has for themselves is to admit where they are at right now in the journey and to see themselves right now in the journey because those who have suffered abuse are in a constant state of trying to believe something different.

“They’re trying to believe that [the abuse and their situation] are not that bad. They’re trying to believe that this is normal. They’re trying to believe that there are other people who have it worse than they do. There are a lot of different aspects that people put on their story to normalize what it is that they are experiencing.

“But when it comes to abuse and when it comes to disconnection [from love and from Source], admittance of what is actually happening is the most powerful tool one has because when you can see yourself where you truly are and when you can look in the mirror and say, ‘I am being abused,’ you then have the opportunity to step into your power even greater because it gives you the option to see yourself as you are now versus being gaslit or trying to pretend that the abuse isn’t happening.

“So, coming into your power is always about seeing yourself as you are now and understanding when you say, ‘I am being abused,’ it unlocks a different level of energy inside of someone.”

“Yes, it absolutely unlocks a different level of energy inside. I am proof,” I agreed, fully resonating with what was said.

I actually did look into a mirror on December 20, 2020 and whisper, “I am being abused.”

It was excruciating to admit. You’d think a sentence like that would bring relief, but it didn’t. It was devastating! My body ached deeply with the truth of it. I laid facedown on my bed and cried so hard I thought my heart might explode. The anguish was total. I didn’t want that reality, but I couldn’t un-know it.

“You are being called to share that aspect of how admitting [about the abuse] to yourself was the catalyst to your journey,” Demi added.

“Yes! It was unquestionably the catalyst! Who wants to think or even believe that their mother, father, husband, wife, partner, or sibling is abusing them?!?”

Though admitting the truth to myself was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life, it was also the first brick laid in the foundation of my freedom.

“A lot of people live in denial about that,” Demi concurred.

“We want you to begin to become aware of the karmic patterns that have been meeting you. For a lot of lifetimes, you did experience abuse. This has been something that has happened for you time after time after time. This is an essence that you have carried in a martyred sense to take this pain and to take this experience to help to shift, to be that absorber of the pain that is being felt by the collective. 

“This is a time for you to break that karmic pattern and say, ‘I am not that anymore. I am choosing in this lifetime that I no longer carry that karmic pattern with me.’ This type of life has met you many, many times where you’ve been under the shoe of someone else.”

The lineage of pain stops here.